I refuse to join any club that would have me as a member.
I worked my way up from nothing to a state of extreme poverty.
A black cat crossing your path signifies that the animal is going somewhere.
I must confess, I was born at a very early age.
A man’s only as old as the woman he feels.
And I want to thank you for all the enjoyment you’ve taken out of it.
I never forget a face, but in your case I’ll be glad to make an exception.
I read in the newspapers they are going to have 30 minutes of intellectual stuff on television every Monday from 7:30 to 8. to educate America. They couldn’t educate America if they started at 6:30.
Anyone who says he can see through women is missing a lot.
Before I speak, I have something important to say.
Behind every successful man is a woman, behind her is his wife.
Either he’s dead or my watch has stopped.
From the moment I picked your book up until I laid it down, I convulsed with laughter. Someday I intend on reading it.
A child of five would understand this. Send someone to fetch a child of five.
In Hollywood, brides keep the bouquets and throw away the groom.
It isn’t necessary to have relatives in Kansas City in order to be unhappy.
A hospital bed is a parked taxi with the meter running.
From the moment I picked your book up until I laid it down, I was convulsed with laughter. Someday I intend reading it.
Getting older is no problem. You just have to live long enough.
Humor is reason gone mad.
I didn’t like the play, but then I saw it under adverse conditions – the curtain was up.
Go, and never darken my towels again.
I have had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn’t it.
A woman is an occasional pleasure but a cigar is always a smoke.
I intend to live forever, or die trying.
I must say I find television very educational. The minute somebody turns it on, I go to the library and read a good book.
Wives are people who feel they don’t dance enough.
I’ve got the brain of a four year old. I’ll bet he was glad to be rid of it.
Women should be obscene and not heard.
I’m leaving because the weather is too good. I hate London when it’s not raining.
I’ve had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn’t it.
There’s one way to find out if a man is honest – ask him. If he says, “Yes,” you know he is a crook.
Outside of a dog, a book is a man’s best friend. Inside of a dog it’s too dark to read.
If I held you any closer I would be on the other side of you.
If you’ve heard this story before, don’t stop me, because I’d like to hear it again.
Man does not control his own fate. The women in his life do that for him.
Marriage is a wonderful institution, but who wants to live in an institution?
Why a four-year-old child could understand this report. Run out and find me a four-year-old child. I can’t make head nor tail out of it.
Marry me and I’ll never look at another horse!
I don’t care to belong to a club that accepts people like me as members.
Alimony is like buying hay for a dead horse.
I, not events, have the power to make me happy or unhappy today. I can choose which it shall be.
Yesterday is dead, tomorrow hasn’t arrived yet. I have just one day, today, and I’m going to be happy in it.
Why was I with her? She reminds me of you. In fact, she reminds me more of you than you do!
I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book.
All people are born alike – except Republicans and Democrats.
Military intelligence is a contradiction in terms.
Military justice is to justice what military music is to music.
My favourite poem is the one that starts ‘Thirty days hath September’ because it actually tells you something.
I remember the first time I had sex – I kept the receipt.
Next time I see you, remind me not to talk to you.
There’s probly even more quotes, but I can never list them all. I always enjoy watching the Marx Brothers films, great, silly stuff & I like Groucho’s wise-crack comments.